The New chamber of secrets
by KEEO
Summary: Swearwords, gummy bears, frustration, excessive usage of unforgivable curses and some more gummy bears. Don't tell me it's insane because I'm already aware of that.


Hermione: "Harry?"  
  
Harry is sleeping like a brick.  
  
Hermione pokes him in the head really hard with her wand.  
  
Harry starts shaking convulsively.  
  
Hermione: "Awake now?"  
  
Harry stops shaking, still fast asleep.  
  
Hermione: "Harry, wake up!"  
  
Harry: "Hmmmm, Smith, agent Smith, heh heh heh..."  
  
Morpheus: "Well you all look the same to me!"  
  
Fred & George show their heads on either side of Harry's bed for one second and say: "*cough* RIPOFF! *cough*" before disappearing under Harry's bed again.  
  
Hermione: "... sigh"  
  
Harry: "Oh, Hermione, it's you... I was half asleep and stuff and didn't recognize your voice..."  
  
Hermione: "Okay, now that all readers have completely lost faith in this fic being worth reading because of that nonsense part, I'm just going to run away and leave you by yourself."  
  
Harry: "How do you get up in the boys dormitory anyway?"  
  
Hermione: "Girls can just do as they please at Hogwarts and enter everything meant for boys because girls are more trustworthy. The other way around wouldn't work because we all know that guys want to enter the girls dormitories on purpose to punch them in the face while they sleep."  
  
Harry: "Not exactly fair is it? Every time you stole my Ion Machete to force other girls to burn their homework and listen to Nine Inch Nails, I couldn't come up that dormitory to take it back from you."  
  
Hermione: "How did you find out about me stealing your Ion Machete???"  
  
Harry: "I'm not telling you that."  
  
Hermione: "Why not?"  
  
Harry: "Because my imaginary gnomes with pitchforks told me, and you'd think I'm crazy if I told you about those. So give up already, you'll never find out who told me."  
  
Hermione: "Didn't you just said who did?"  
  
Harry: "No, I didn't."  
  
Hermione: "What about the gnomes with pitchforks?"  
  
Harry: "Are you seeing gnomes with pitchforks everywhere right now? My god you are totally insane!"  
  
Hermione: "Grrrrr... Stupid dick! Twisting everything I say around to your advantage like that..."  
  
Harry: "Yeah! That's weird isn't it? That never happened in any of the books!"  
  
Fred shows his head and says: "We never ended up hiding under your bed for no reason in the books either, did we?" And he withdraws his head.  
  
Harry: "No, I suppose you didn't..."  
  
George shows his head. "Good, then shut up about what happened in the book and what didn't, because all this stuff doesn't make any sense in the first place! Now dance!"  
  
Harry & Hermione start tap dancing.  
  
George: "Never mind, you guys suck at dancing. Continue your conversation." And he withdraws his head.  
  
Hermione: "Anyway, I came to tell you that there is this horrible thing happening around Hogwarts while you're just sitting on your ass doing nothing about it! The Heir of Slytherin or whatever is having fun torturing people, making me look like a wimp!"  
  
Harry: "But I've got homework to do!"  
  
Hermione: "Oh TO HELL WITH YOUR HOMEWORK!"  
  
Harry: "Really? Like this?"  
  
  
  
Harry opens a gateway to hell and starts throwing stuff into it.  
  
Hermione: "Okay, real funny. Now cut that shit out."  
  
Harry: "Okay, but if I'm going to be an evil necromancer like Dumbledore, I really have to do my homework!"  
  
Hermione: "Why are you always doing your damn homework while you could be out torturing people like me?"   
  
She whips out her wand and whispers: "Crucius!"  
  
Harry: "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"  
  
Hermione: "You see now? It's fun!"  
  
Harry: "No, I can't see, anything, being blinded by pain and all..."  
  
Hermione: "That's the spirit, now get up and figure out what's going on!"  
  
Harry: "I need breakfast..."  
  
Ron: "Weeeeeeeeiiiiiii!"  
  
Harry: "Oh crap, you woke that idiot up by using your stupid cruciatus curse on me."  
  
Hermione: "Don't blame me, you were doing all the yelling in agony."  
  
Ron with his irish accent says: "I'm a little pixie with wings! Weeeeeeeeiiiiiii!" As he flaps his arms up and down.  
  
Hermione: "I'll see you guys at breakfast soon enough."  
  
Harry: "Okay."  
  
Ron: "I sure love being a pixie..."  
  
Harry & Ron walk out of the room and down to the Griffindor common room.  
  
Neville: "No! I can't let you do this! You'll get Griffindor in trouble! I've got to stop you!"  
  
Ron: "Oh, what happened in the book again?"  
  
Harry: "Hermione did a locking curse or something like that, and the fat dick fell over."  
  
Ron: "Okay, but she aint here now. What do WE do?"  
  
Harry: "WE beat the shit out of him."  
  
Neville: "Oh dear!"  
  
Ron screams: "Weeeeeeeeiiiiiii!" As he goes into his dragon stance and stands still for a moment with arms stretched like wings and one leg raised.  
  
Neville: "... Come on Ron, you don't know any Muggle kung-fu."  
  
Ron puts his toes from his right foot around Neville's nose and breaks it.  
  
Neville: "AAAAAAAOOOOUUWW!!!"  
  
Harry: "DUDE, you broke his nose with your bare toes."  
  
Ron: "Weeeeeeeeiiiiiii!"  
  
Neville tries to stop the bleeding by stuffing his index fingers up his nostrils.  
  
Fred: "Nothing to worry about my friend, just take the purple half of his this pill and the bleeding will stop."  
  
Neville takes the purple half of the pill.  
  
George: "Or was it the other half?"  
  
Fred: "Shhh! No need to worry about that..."  
  
George: "Okay Neville, that will be fifty Galleons."  
  
Neville's nose starts bleeding unstoppably.  
  
Fred: "Um... I think he might need that money to pay for the medical bill soon enough..."  
  
George: "Nah, he won't reach St. Mungo's anyway. Let's just grab all his Galleons and run."  
  
Ron: "Pretty blood..."  
  
Harry: "DUDE, let's go before I lose my appetite."  
  
Ron: "Okay Harry."  
  
Dobby: "Dobby like Harry! Dobby going to clean up this bloodbath just because Dobby likes you all! Dobby like all Griffindors! Dobby-"  
  
Dobby gets kicked in the face by Ron.  
  
Ron: "Ron kicked Dobby in the face! 'Cause Ron thinks Dobby sucks!"  
  
Dobby rubbs his face and scowls. "Ya know, it's not funny to immitate someones way of talking..."  
  
Hermione: "AHA! AN ELF!"  
  
Dobby: "DOBBY IN DEEP SHIT!"  
  
Ron: "Oh Hermione, couldn't you just give up on your whole SPEW idea?"  
  
Hermione: "I'm never giving up on my Sick Plans for Elfs Wickedly-getting-tortured! MUHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Dobby runs away really really fast and Hermione follows.  
  
Harry: "And here comes the part where I'm sitting and eating my breakfast"  
  
Fred: "Amen, Harry!"  
  
Ron: "This food is awful! where are my gummy bears???"  
  
Harry: "Stop being such a total gummy bear addict all the time!"  
  
Ron: "I SAID MORE GUMMY BEARS, DAMMIT! GUUMMY BEEEAARS!"  
  
Ron falls off his chair and faints for no reason.  
  
Dumbledore: "Can I have everybody's attention please? Silence please!"  
  
Everybody eating starts scowling at Dumbledore,   
  
Harry: "Hey, shut up you old fool!"  
  
Hermione: "Who the hell do you think you are anyway?!"  
  
Malfoy: "We're not finished eating yet, asshole!"  
  
Fred & George in unison: "And neither are we!"  
  
Ron: "Weeeeeeeeiiiiiii!"  
  
People throw pieces of bread at Dumbledore's nose that falls off and has to be placed back on its original position with spello tape. Dumbledore starts getting pissed while everybody continues talking and eating breakfast like nothing happened.  
  
Dumbledore: "I SAID SILENCE YOU DISOBEDIENT LITTLE SHITS!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
And everybody falls quiet immediatly.  
  
Dumbledore: "Okay, what I wanted to dicuss today is that certain infamous and hardly mentioned students have been mysteriously attacked by something. And you are all too ignorant to figure out what is attacking people so I'll just tell you, it's a Basilisk, king of snakes."  
  
Harry: "Cool. Has anyone died yet?"  
  
Dumbledore: "No, everybody just got paralyzed because of some lame excuse each time, the basilisk ought to try a little harder..."  
  
Harry: "Oh. But I thought it was supposed to be the king of snakes, that would kill everything to come across its path."  
  
Dumbledore: "No, it's a really pathetic snake that until now seems to have only succeeded in merely paralyzing people. Nearly Headless Nick saw it but couldn't die again, Ron saw it through Nick, but that wasn't direct enough-"  
  
Harry: "No, Ron is right here next to me- oh wait that's right he just fainted a second ago for no reason so that must have been the Basilisk."  
  
Dumbledore: "Hermione almost saw it but whipped out a flamethrower and closed her eyes, chasing the Basilisk all the way back to its lair and killing six students who were caught in the crossfire of flames. "  
  
Filch erupts in tears while saying: "IT TOOK SIX HOURS TO CLEAN UP THE ASHES, BOO HOO HOO HOO!!"  
  
Dumbldore: "In other news, Ginny Weasley is being posessed by Lord Voldemort."  
  
People across the tables start laughing and gigling loudly at hearing the name.  
  
Harry: "Ah come on, how come you all still laugh at hearing the name so much?"  
  
Hermione: "It's just such a funny name, Vol-de-mort, cause it rhymes with eat-my-shorts."  
  
Harry: "No it doesn't."  
  
Hermione: "Yes it does."  
  
Harry: "No it doesn't."  
  
Hermione: "Yes it does."  
  
Harry: "No it doesn't."  
  
Hermione: "Crucius!"  
  
Harry: "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"  
  
George: "You know, that crucius curse looks very useful, care to teach me and Fred how to do it someday?"  
  
Hermione: "Of course, I'd be glad to."  
  
Fred: "Um, never mind. That sadistic smile you have on now tells me you'd use it on us for a couple of hours instead of teaching us how to do it."  
  
Hermione: "Don't worry, you're my favorite Harry Potter characters ya know!"  
  
Harry: "No... it... doesn't... aaaargh..."  
  
Cho is crying for no reason: "WEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Ron gasps for breath and gets back on his chair: "Holy crap, I saw the Basilisk's yellow eyes, but luckily through Nearly Headless Nick so I didn't die."  
  
Hermione: "Crucius!"  
  
Ron: "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"  
  
Harry: "When I'm older, I'm going to hunt down all of my fellow Griffindors and kill them."  
  
Cho: "Not including me I suppose, cause I'm in Ravenclaw."  
  
Harry: "I'll make an exception, bitch."  
  
Cho: "..."  
  
Harry: "If you start crying again I'll strangle you."  
  
Cho looks really really sad.  
  
Harry punches her in the face.  
  
Cho looks even sadder.  
  
Harry: "I'm impressed, you're still not crying."  
  
Cho: "I'm trying to, but I'm just dehydrated because I've been crying too much all day long."  
  
Harry: "That sucks."  
  
McGonagall: "Okay class, open your books and pull out your wands."  
  
Umbridge: "Hem Hem!"  
  
McGonagall: "Today we will be practicing on gummy bears and-"  
  
Umbridge: "Hem Hem!"  
  
McGonagall: "And turn them into thermo-nuclear devices."  
  
Umbridge: "Hem Hem!"  
  
McGonagall: "When finished with the thermo-nuclear devices we will try to turn them back-"  
  
Umbridge: "Hem Hem!"  
  
McGonagall: "*Sigh*, turn them back into gummy-"  
  
Umbridge: "Hem Hem!"  
  
McGonagall: "FOR FUCK'S SAKE COULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR JUST ONE FUCKING SECOND!!!???"  
  
Harry: "McGonagall, you kick ass!"  
  
Umbridge: "Now now Harry, you will have to write down: "I will not tell nasty lies" sixty times on this piece of parchment and-"  
  
Harry: "NO, YOU WILL BE CARVING THE SENTENCE "I WILL NOT BE A FAT ANNOYING MINISTRY WHORE" ON YOUR OWN FUCKING FOREHEAD FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!!!"  
  
class: "Hooray!"  
  
McGonagall: "Anyway, when we've turned the thermo-nuclear devices back to gummy bears we'll eat them and see which ones failed and still detonate in a nuclear explosion."  
  
Umbridge: "He-"  
  
Sirius walks into the classroom with red jedi lightsabre and decapitates Umbridge before she can continue saying: "Hem Hem!".  
  
class: "Hooray!"  
  
Hermione: "Harry, here comes the part where you enter the Chamber of Secrets and defeat whatever the hell is controlling the Basilisk."  
  
Harry: "Already? I'm still busy on breakfast ya know."  
  
Hermione: "Come on, just follow me to the chamber of secrets."  
  
Fred: "No, that place caved in. You need to find the New chamber of secrets."  
  
Harry: "Okay, thanks. But where is the new one then?"  
  
George: "Well, we all know that Dumbledore is really behind all this and he captured Ginny and all, so he must have build a very hidden chamber somewhere."  
  
Harry: "But Dumbledore is nuts."  
  
Fred: "Correct! So his hideout will in fact be in a rather obvious place for everybody to see."  
  
Harry: "Like that house outside on an enormous long pole?"  
  
Hermione: "Lets get going!"   
  
They go outside.  
  
Harry: "It looks like a frickin' birdhouse, only then a thousand times larger."  
  
Dumbledore: "HAHAHAHAHAHA! AND YOU CAN'T REACH ME UP HERE BECAUSE I TOOK THE FLYING CHARMS OFF ALL YOUR BROOMS! HAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Harry: "What about Fawkes, he can still safe the day!"  
  
Dumbledore: "NO, BECAUSE I TOOK THE FLYING CHARM OFF FAWKES AS WELL! MUHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Harry: "Crap."  
  
Fawkes: "Yo people, we can still try something else, like tying fifteen balloons to my tail."  
  
Hermione: "Okay, I'll just transfigure some rocks into balloons."  
  
Ron: "Balloons are round! Weeeeeeeiiiiii!!!"  
  
Hermione: "I know that Ron. Okay, here we go: ROCKS GO BALLOONS!"  
  
Some rocks turn into balloons.  
  
Fawkes: "Okay people, tie them to my tail."  
  
Fawkes gets balloons tied to his tail.  
  
Harry: "Look at Fawkes, he's going up really fast, even past Dumbledore's hideout..."  
  
Fawkes: "Yo people, where's the 'down' button???"  
  
Ron: "I've got your down button right here! Stupefy!"  
  
Fawkes: "NO DAWG, I'LL FALL!"  
  
The balloons go kablam.   
  
Fawkes: "AAAAAAH!"  
  
Harry: "DUDE, you made Fawkes fall all the way back again."  
  
Hermione: "Okay, next attempt. I've built this medieval catapult thing called a Trebuchet!"  
  
Fawkes: "Dawg, it looks way too dangerous and shit."  
  
Hermione: "Shut up and fly!"  
  
Ron & Harry place Fawkes in the basket.  
  
Hermione: "FIRE!"   
  
Ron & Harry fling the lever and Fawkes is thrown up into the sky with extreme speed.  
  
Fawkes: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"   
  
Fawkes hits the side of Dumbledore's birdhouse lair so hard that the gigantic pole where it's standing on falls over.  
  
Hermione: "Oops, we sort of killed Fawkes, Dumbledore AND Ginny in our attempt to safe the day."  
  
Fred: "Thanks, eagle eyes."  
  
George: "Thanks for mentioning it, like we hadn't just seen it happen."  
  
Harry: "Good, now I can finish my breakfast."  
  
Ron: "Look, it's raining gummy bears! Weeeeeeeeiiiii!"  
  
Fred: "Gummy bears are great!"  
  
George: "Especially when they're pouring down like rain!"  
  
Cho: "I'm allergic to gummy bears, they make me cry!"  
  
Harry: "IMPERIUS!"  
  
Cho freezes and looks drowsily all of a sudden.  
  
Harry: "NEVER CRY AGAIN!"  
  
Cho never cries again. "You bastard! You just ruined my future career as an actress! I've been practising crying for years now and it's all been for nothing!"  
  
Harry: "Good!"  
  
Ron chokes on a gummy bear and dies.  
  
Hermione: "Ron just choked on a gummy bear and died."  
  
Fred: "No shit sherlock."  
  
George: "Thanks for the detailed report, captain obvious."  
  
Hermione: "YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO NOW???"  
  
Harry: "TELL US HERMIONE!!!"  
  
Hermione: "DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!!!"  
  
Everybody does the chicken dance and then the world explodes for no reason.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------  
  
Fred: "Cool, we're the only survivors."  
  
George: "Now we're going to open an intergalactic joke shop."  
  
Fred: "How did we survive anyway?"  
  
George: "Sirius safed us by picking us up with his space ship."  
  
Moaning Myrtle: "But there are no space ships mentioned in any of the Harry Potter books!"   
  
Sirius destroys Moaning Myrtle with his lightsabre.  
  
Sirius: "I destroyed her with my lightsabre."  
  
Fred: "Thanks, eagle eyes."  
  
George: "Thanks for the detailed report, captain obvious."  
  
Sirius: "Shut the fuck up."  
  
THE END 


End file.
